63 years ago today, awesomeness was invented.

Happy birthday to our beloved Phil Collins! At the tender age of 63, he has done more with his life already than you would if you had 63 lifetimes to live.

Go on; celebrate, and add 12 minutes of meaning to your life: 

Reminder #1: Phil Collins is a man. You are just a mere attempt.

For this week's reminder, please follow the instructions below:

Step 1: Get a mirror.

Step 2: Hold the mirror up to your face.

Step 3: Look at your face.

Step 4: Look at this picture of Phil Collins.

Step 5: Look at your face again.

Step 6: If you are male, resist the urge to punch your face for being so incompetent and weak. If you are female, resist the urge to punch in the face every male you will ever meet henceforth for being so incompetent and weak. 

Phil Collins: making your face hate you since 1976.

Awesome fact about Phil Collins #2: Musicians need him to make them sound good

From left to right: Dude in Black Shirt, Dude in Black Shirt’s Boyfriend, Dude Trying To Hold In A Second Fart, A Photobomber, Some Chins, Dude Smelling That Other Dude’s First Fart, and PHIL COLLINS

Phil Collins has been sent to this good Earth for many things, I’m sure, but the one I care about the most is his mission to be the best musician in the entire galaxy.

He has proven this time and time again by making recorded sounds of joy on many albums and live sounds of ecstasy in concert halls around the world with his long-time band Genesis and his own band. All of these endeavors have produced platinum albums, #1 singles, and hundreds of sold out arenas---so it comes as no surprise that a few other musicians hanging around would beg for a just a few drops of his pure awesomeness.

It all began in 1970 when Collins was only 19 and asked to play percussion on George Harrison’s “The Art of Dying” from his album, All Things Must Pass. Not only was this the best song on the album, it was also the best song to be released in 1970.

In 1974 Genesis decided to pay their producer Brian Eno for his services on their album The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway in Phil Collins drum sessions for Eno’s album, Taking Tiger Mountain (by Strategy). Later Eno may or may not have said, “Genesis gave me the choice between a Lamborghini stuffed with £100,000,000 and Phil Collins drumming. I didn’t even have to think ONCE about that!”

He impressed Eno so much, he was asked to drum again on his albums Another Green World and Before and After Science. Listen to this to know why (and try not to soil yourself in the process):

Collins went on to collaborate---I’m sorry, I mean help out----other musicians with his drums, sprinkling the pure awesomeness wherever it was needed. A few notable saves include: David Crosby’s Thousand Roads, Paul McCartney’s Press to Play and Mike Oldfield’s QE2. And because he’s such a dude, he helped out his ex-Genesis bandmate Peter Gabriel on his album Peter Gabriel (3) and would play live with him from time to time, because let’s face it – it’s the right thing to do and the Universe needs it.

When Collins wasn’t drumming for himself or Genesis or other musicians in crisis, he also somehow found time to produce a few albums. He’s produced Frida Lyngstad’s (ABBA singer) first album, Something’s Going On and Eric Clapton’s albums Behind the Sun and August. And of course on all of these albums he produced he also drummed and/or sang because as the saying goes, “garbage in, garbage out.” Collins also toured with Clapton in ’86 for some shits and giggles after the release and tour of his multi-platinum, multi-eargasm album Invisible Touch with Genesis.

I am sure there are other examples out there of his grace and goodwill towards musical humanity, but I need to go to bed now so I can thank God I got to live another day to hear Phil Collins music. If I missed any other notable collaborations, share with us via a comment below. But for now I leave you with a brief video clip of him blessing all ears that can hear with Brand X---which his career with is an Awesome Fact About Phil Collins unto itself.

Phil Collins: YOU’RE WELCOME, musicians.

Awesome fact about Phil Collins #1: He cared more about Ethiopian famine than all the other performers at Live Aid combined

In July 1985, some dudes I have never heard of before (because I’m an American under 40) called Bob Geldolf and Midge Ure hosted a music festival called Live Aid to benefit Ethiopian famine relief. This festival took place in London AND Philadelphia at the same time, and according to Wikipedia, “it was one of the largest-scale satellite link-ups and television broadcasts of all time: an estimated global audience of 1.9 billion, across 150 nations, watched the live broadcast.”

Across the 2 concerts, there were over 60 performers/bands. But only 1 performed at BOTH concerts. This is of course Phil Collins, as he was the only performer who possessed not only the talent to deliver an entertaining performance in both the UK and USA but also the stamina of a bull elk in heat.

Here’s how it went down: 

And some more here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o22E44APYGw

Not only did Phil Collins perform in the UK and the US, he also performed in more than 1 set in the US of A. He did a set of his own awesome stuff "Against All Odds (Take a Look at Me Now)" and "In the Air Tonight" on the piano to give his drums a well-deserved rest….

and THEN played drums for Eric Clapton…

and THEN played drums again for a Led Zepplin reunion set….

And it is with this Led Zepplin performance in mind, I will bring this awesome fact to conclusion.

If you watched the video above, you can form your own opinions about the performance but according to many critics and fans who witnessed it as it was happening the entire Led Zepplin set at Live Aid was a hot mess (like most band reunion shows, I’m afraid). Jimmy Page blames Phil Collins for the weak performance and claims he ruined the show. Regardless of the fact this claim is coming from a grown man named “Jimmy,” he and Robert Plant were unrehearsed and clearly should have never gotten on the stage together again.

Collins said in an interview in Spin Magazine: "They weren't very good and I was made to feel a little uncomfortable by the dribbling Jimmy Page. If I could have walked off, I would have - but then we'd be talking about why Phil Collins walked off from Led Zeppelin. So I just stayed there and bit my tongue."

Phil Collins: a classy and modest humanitarian who humors awkwardly fading rock bands. 

Welcome!

If you think you know someone who is awesome, or even think YOU are awesome, I guarantee this person and you are not nearly as awesome as Phil Collins.

I am sure many that read this will disagree with me, and even go as far as to describe Phil Collins with words like “sell out” or “cheesy” or “lame” or “uncool.” These are not the words that should be used in association with anything Phil Collins has ever done, but unfortunately this unfounded perception of him has been perpetuated by many in the music industry --- everyone from music critics/journalists with small penises, to musicians who will never come close to contributing as much music innovation and making as much music history as Phil Collins. And who are also are very likely to have small penises.  

This total mis-conception of Phil Collins has pervaded so deep into society’s musical consciousness and has burned my ass so much that I feel compelled, nay, obligated to speak against the tide of negativity that overshadows his accomplishments and amazeballness.

But I cannot do this in one post, for my fingers will fall off and I will eventually wet my pants. Therefore, I will dedicate at least one post a week UNTIL I DIE to highlighting the awesome power and glory that is Phil Collins. My desire with each post will not only be to make you reconsider your opinion about Phil Collins and hopefully perceive him in a more favorable light, but to also make you realize just how insignificant your contribution to society is and want to punch every single non-Phil Collins related CD in your collection for being totally inadequate.

If you are like me and appreciate what a beast Phil Collins is, tell me what you think the most awesome thing about him or what he’s done at phil.collins.equals.awesome@gmail.com and I will add it to a future post! I can’t be the only out there who would actually travel to heaven to hear him perform “Something Happened on the Way to Heaven,” right?